The chocolates I blogged about last week have been promoted to the top of my bedside drawer. I didn’t want to hide them..I no longer need to hide food away – that was for back in the old pre-Beyond Chocolate days when I had to hide my food with the hope that I would forget about it and just eat it when I had been good and allowed myself a treat. I decided to reverse that old mentality totally and actually celebrate the chocolate. The cardboard box is gone, replaced with a decorated tin box with gorgeous ribbon and a bow. It sits where I see it all the time, as soon as I go to bed, every time I walk in my room every morning when I get up.
The first few days I noticed it every time I walked in the room. I had a few chocolates at times when I enjoyed it. Sometimes I would just open the box and smell the chocolate. My intentions were great until hormones hit and I had a moment of emotional weakness. I wasn’t even hungry when I gulped the remaining 9 chocolates down mingled together in almost one mouthful. I didn’t taste a single one, it was a sad, mushy, tragic waste of good chocolate. My husband who has vowed to refill the box every week to help me learn to live intuitively with chocolate did as he promised and just like the magic..the little box is full again.
I have had a couple but I realised something today….I have almost stopped noticing the box is even there!
I have changed a lot over the last few days. I was restricting myself too much. Telling myself:
I HAD to sit at the table to eat, and this encouraged me to drink more coffee instead of eating when hungry so that I could stay at the computer just a little bit longer
I HAD to consult my hunger scale
I HAD to write down my feelings before eating, this included writing down the time so I started to concentrate on how long it was in between eating and berate myself for being hungry too much
I HAD to eat when only hungry, therefore feeling restricted and finding myself back in binge mode by 3pm each day.
I HAD to leave a bit of food on my plate to prove I could do it but it also made me feel restricted and resentful
I honestly thought that this was Intuitive Eating for me, but it wasn’t. It was just a different way to secretly diet – so secret in fact that even I didn’t know I was doing it until I decided to loosen the reigns and see what happens…
What happened was:
*That sometimes I ate breakfast in front of the pc and sometimes I ate dinner whilst watching the news but most of the time I sat at the table to eat and enjoyed it.
*I stopped worrying about the hunger scale and paying more attention to my body and how it was telling me it was hungry
*I stopped writing down my feelings before eating and spent more time recognising them, I stopped focusing on the times I was hungry and I stopped thinking about food so much
*I let myself enjoy some biscuits (cookies) after dinner when I wasn’t hungry and I didn’t feel compelled to binge eat every thing else I could get my hands on after wards because of that freedom
*I allowed myself to eat every single tiny teeny weeny crumb on my plate but found I was naturally choosing smaller portions without a second thought
It was great. A really brilliant week. A week of getting to know myself differently
SOMETHING POSITIVE ABOUT THE LAST WEEK: Letting go
THIS WEEKS GOAL: Do something to de-clutter my life